15 Reasons Why the Green Movement Upsets Me

leavesI am not opposed to the green movement. That would be silly. Like being opposed to laughter or seat belts. I have, however, found that I am often irked by it, and so below is a list of the ways in which it has irked me, in no particular order.


1.) Throwing something away has become too much like that game where you push shapes into the appropriate holes.

2.)Whenever I screw up laminating or copying something at work, I am too afraid to put the scraps of that mistake into a bin where everyone can see it and judge me. So, I stuff my backpack full the unwanted papers and dispose of them somewhere secret. Sometimes I forget to dispose of it all, and then I go to work the next day with my backpack already full.

3.) I like chocolate chip cookies. I do not like vegan chocolate chip cookies.

4.) I am confronted by too many vegetables I have never heard of and that makes me feel stupid, so now I never get any, and I am malnourished.

5.)Too many people wear beanies just on the back part of their head. It’s not covering their ears. It’s not even cold.

6.) I do a lot of unhealthy things, but I am convinced that the foul act of keeping and taking out the compost is a greater detriment to my health than any of them. It is also the only reason I have vomited in the last 5 years.

7.) The word ‘earthy’ is said too often in regard to people who don’t shower.

8.) Self-proclaimed children of mother nature are trying way too hard.

9.) High-fructose corn syrup is delicious, and now I am afraid of it.

10.) Shopping takes forever because you have to read all of the ingredients of every item to make sure that there is no high-fructose corn syrup in it.

11.) Everyone hates on hot dogs. Everyone likes hot dogs.

12.) Smoking weed is often equated with being environmentally righteous.

13.) Wind turbines kill bats. Aside from the fact that migrating species of bats are responsible for a significant amount of reforestation, there are a lot of dead bats rotting in crop fields. Dead bats are not listed as an ingredient on any labels.

14.) What was once just a litterbug is now a social pariah.

15.) There is far too much emotional investment in whales, and not enough in me.


If this has made you angry, you need to relax. Before you relax, though, leave your angry comment below. Or, you could tell me about the ways in which our noble efforts to save the planet have frustrated you. Really any sort of response is encouraged.